Wine Me Up

Let's see, my experiences with wine...
Most of my wine experiences have come out of a double bottle of moscato. It's tasty and sweet, and its what we classy college kids drink. Here are some tips that I have learned about wine:
1. Sipping moscato directly out of the bottle ensures that no one will take the ten dollar bottle.
2. Drinking out of the bottle expedites the drinking process.
3. Carry a wine opener at all times, not everyone is as posh as you.
4. About halfway through the bottle, I like to think that I too have now become tasty and sweet.
5. In Europe men think women who drink wine are more attractive.
6. Once you finish the bottle, you ARE more attractive.

Not all of my experiences with wine have been with a cheap bottle of Barefoot moscato. In fact, I am a wine connoisseur. Having visited the Chianti vineyards in Italy, I experienced a variety of wines. White wine, red wine, aged wine, desert wine, and very concentrated wine that had a similar taste to scotch. On this wine tour, we were told that in Italy, people do not get drunk off of wine, they only drink it socially. So naturally, at every club we went to absolutely no Italian was drunk, ever. Furthermore, at the end of this wine tasting, absolutely no one felt even slightly inebriated when purchasing multiple forty dollar bottles of wine.

When I came back to America I wanted to share everything I learned about wine with everyone. So, while sipping moscato, once again, at a college apartment party I made the announcement that I was going to teach everyone the proper way to taste wine. I took the bottle of Barefoot, poured a bit into a clear wine glass and said,  "you are supposed to hold the glass at the stem guys, so you don't mess up the temperature". First, you stick your nose far into the glass and breathe in the sweet smell of the wine, pretending as if you can really smell the grapes. Then, you take a small sip, but before you swallow the wine you must sort of gargle it in the pallet of your mouth. This is a very important step of tasting the wine so I demonstrated it longer than usual, really articulating the gargle sound. Then you must swish the wine around, to taste all the different flavors. Finally, you have the choice to spit it out, or swallow it, which ever is most appealing to you. What I learned from tasting Barefoot Moscato this way, is that you should never try to teach people how to taste wine at a party, it won't make you any new friends.